The Family Stone
by LisaDouglas
Summary: Patsy finds the courage to not be just like her mother.
1. The Lone Egg

Ch 1- The Lone Egg

"Oh shit, shit, shit." Patsy spat, her cigarette hanging precariously from her pursed lips as she dug through a mound of paper, searching desperately for a datebook she wasn't sure she even kept.

It'd been an odd gift from Eddy at Christmas, just a few months before and at first she'd tried very hard to actually use it. But then after the holidays the realities of life, being what they were for Patsy Stone, settled in and like every year, she found keeping a datebook too arduous a task.

Instead she would live from moment to wild moment, spending her time with Eddy and taking people up on whatever offer they had that was a boon to her lavish, almost debauched lifestyle, only keeping commitments because someone at the office (the one she barely went to) reminded her of them, or that insufferable Saffy forced her to.

"Shit, shit." She muttered; her cigarette still poised on the edge of her lips.

She took the pile from her desk and tossed it on the floor, the landline phone making a 'ding!' sound that called out more like a low 'thud!' when it hit the hardwood floor. And there it was, the red leather daybook. Nervous, she took a puff of her cigarette and dove in, grabbing the book and violently pulling open the pages like a pack of rabid dogs gone to hunt. The bile rising in her throat she flipped the pages back, back, back.

"Tuesday, Wednesday, Two weeks from…" Patsy stopped, her heart rate spiking when she got to the page she'd been looking for. She'd been afraid of this but hadn't seriously considered it. "No, no Pats it isn't that." She told herself, turning to the front and looking at the year embossed in gold on the cover.

'Do you know how _old_ you are?' A voice asked. Patsy jumped, looking around, not familiar with hearing her conscious voice truth to her.

"Well I suppose I do…" She considered.

At once a somber feeling settled in and a mood of dread encroached. Patsy swallowed hard, the almost eerie feeling pervading every bit of her. She took another long puff of her cigarette, a spiking heart rate accompanying her mounting fear. She looked down at the book once more, double, then triple checking her facts, trying to ensure that she had just been being herself. Patsy laughed nervously, deciding that of course she'd found keeping a datebook too arduous a task. That had been it.

'I'd forgotten all about it that month that's what I did.' She almost smirked, reading back through the book just a bit further.

But that wasn't it.

Patsy's eyes grew wide and a flood of memories came washing back when she saw that lone February day.

"Oh shit, shit, shit, shit!"

Patsy threw down the book and at once leaned over, beginning to heave in the office's wastebasket.

….

2 Hours Later

She hadn't thought much of it before then. She'd been throwing up on and off for several weeks. For a while she'd thought it was the occasional hangover, but her bouts of illness had become far too frequent for that: occurring up to several times a day. Then, she'd blamed it on a flu Saffy had had (she could always blame children, even grown ones for something like that, the little buggers). Following that, Patsy had mistakenly thought that it was a miracle: that her body was offering her the _privilege_ of being able to become bulimic once more, something she'd been forced to give up several years earlier. But it wasn't until yesterday she'd considered this. Oh how could she have ever expected this?

Patsy lay in the surgery waiting. Staring straight up and wondering how on earth she'd even gotten there without Eddy's shoulder to cry on.

'Your capable of a lot more than you know.' Came the voice.

Patsy bristled. She wasn't sure. She didn't have as much self-confidence as you might think for a woman who'd garnered a position like hers, for someone who lived in the limelight of the London nightlife, who partied and gabbed with the elite of the elite…. In truth, Patsy was scared inside and oh so very lonely: she always had been. The world saw her as powerful, callous and wild. But on the inside, she wasn't much different from the girl she'd once been, the one whose mother had neglected and abused her.

The subject of mother hit a sore spot right then.

Patsy's breath caught in her throat. She felt like she was going to be ill as she snuck a glance at the tiny blip on the screen next to her. She couldn't believe they'd left her alone like that: that they'd agreed to give her a moment before going on with it. Patsy jumped when the imaged moved, almost as if it were waiving, or at the very least, rocking back and forth. She didn't turn away this time, but stared speechless, studying the black and grey little bean.

"It's better this way." She assured, putting her head down. "Life's…too much when your mother is awful I know…" She said to herself. "No one deserves that."

Inside, Patsy knew she could never be anything but that.

Before she was ready the technician came back. A skinny woman who, to her alarm, looked and sounded just like Bubble. Patsy's mind swam and she found herself not listening as the woman began to explain how it would work. She found herself instead, transfixed on the dot on the screen. Frustrated and confused, Patsy took a cigarette out of her handbag stopping mid light when Bubble's apparent twin barked:

"Ya can't have that in here woman!"

The tech left her alone again telling her it would be time when she returned.

"It's not personal." Patsy said, staring catatonic at the screen.

But it was.

Shaking, Patsy turned to light the cigarette anyway. She inhaled sharply, needing something to steady her. The dot on the screen shook, almost as if it were coughing in reply.

'You're the same age you know…' Her conscious reminded.

"Yeah, yeah…"

But Patsy considered it deeply in those moments. She was the same age her mother had been when she had her (and mistook the pregnancy for menopause). The whole thing was uncanny, and something of a trigger for Patsy that reminded her too much of her own rough beginning.

"It's the right thing." She said, determined. Patsy took another long puff of her cigarette, ignoring the tears that welled up in her eyes.

Patsy was not the deepest person on earth by any means, or all that philosophical. But she understood the principle that a lot of people follow after a parent whether they want to or not. They repeat their patterns and they right their wrongs. This news made Patsy feel connected to something in a way she was neither comfortable nor familiar with. It made her desperate to flee, to not repeat certain abusive patterns and most of all to right some egregious wrongs.

Patsy swallowed hard and almost jumped, taken out of deep thought when Bubble's twin came back with the real doctor.

'This.' She thought, staring back at the screen. 'Is a way to right my mother's wrongs. She should've simply ended it.'

Patsy didn't think she deserved a chance, either way.

'You're not your mother.' The voice came again.

'Oh shut up!' Some other part of her brain hissed.

Again, Patsy found herself not listening as they explained everything that was about to happen. Her eyes were focused solely on the tiny thirteen-week-old dot. Patsy almost gasped surprised when the cigarette was removed from her hand and extinguished leaving her to focus only on the happy little bean she was about to part with for good.

Her mind rushed and she found herself almost in a panic when they were about to start. She squeezed her eyes tight, feeling them start to touch her. Much to her shock, she found she wanted to hold the little dot and tell him it would be all right, that it would be quick. She'd always wanted someone to tell her it would be all right. She'd always wished it all would've been quick.

'You're righting wrongs Pats. You're not going down that road.' She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, turning away from the dot that almost seemed to urge her to keep contact with it. 'You're being gracious, you're doing the right thing, you're…'

'But what if the courage to care _is_ the right thing.' The voice deep inside offered.

Patsy's eyes flashed open, catching one last glimpse of the dot on the screen before she jumped.

"No!" She swallowed hard. "No. I can't."

…..

When it was over, she made her way to Holland Park where Eddy very much played the part of the understanding friend.

"Oh how modern, thinking we're going to keep it!" Eddy almost teased, a hint of anger in her voice.

Patsy gulped, feeling karma creep up on her, knowing the friend on whom she depended was angry. Her heart sank as she squeezed the arms of her chair, upset that Eddy made her feel like a burden, or an unruly teenager. But she supposed that was how she'd treated her the two times she'd delivered the same news.

"You've got this house Eds, and your daughter… and your mother and what have I got?" In that moment, Patsy realized she knew how to reason. Perhaps she could trust herself. Eddy or not.

"You've got me Pats!"

The blonde paused a beat, feeling venerable about opening up even in the depth of her own heart. Maybe this had been a mistake. Isolation, self-reliance and neglect had been the very fiber she'd been formed out of, and turned her into the harsh, irresponsible soul she was. It was no wonder she could barely fathom the idea of braving a new kind of life that required her to rise above and be what her mother wasn't.

But Patsy had had a lot of realizations since she'd left the clinic, and despite being afraid and unsure, she knew what she wanted.

"But it's lonely. It's always been very lonely." She said softly, reflecting more on the long painful period before the Monsoons came into her life.

It'd been her whole life. She thought years of drugs, lavish parties and a happy life with a good friend had successfully snuffed out the memory of those early years. But something about this new possibility brought them back to the forefront and left her staring wide-eyed in its wake.

Eddy stopped, watching her friend intently, surprised by the seriousness in her eyes. Normally, Patsy sloughed things off if they were emotional or required a serious commitment on her part. Eddy wasn't sure what to say, knowing that for once, her friend needed her to be serious.

"I know I begrudged you yours but… I never said I didn't want a child."

"It's a serious commitment Pats."

"You don't think I can do it." She voiced sadly.

"It's just…"

"I helped you with yours! I, I've been thinking and I want my child Eds. Someone to hold at night. Someone to buy cute little things for."

"That's how I was with Saffy!" It wasn't at all.

"Someone who wont judge me."

"Oh they judge you darling!" Edina warned.

"Someone I can see my eyes in. Someone who I can always tell I love."

Eddy stopped, biting her lip, understanding that last idea. She had no idea Patsy had any of that on her heart.

"Someone." Patsy swallowed. "To who I won't ask for anyone to take away, so they can bring me another lover."

"Alright Pats. Let's give it a go." Eddy sighed. She wasn't happy, but she would help out of love… "We'll do better this time."

"Better this time at what?" Saffy asked, knitting her eyebrows as she came down the kitchen stairs.

"Oh Saffy darling, Patsy's going to have a baby!" Eddy said, pouring two glasses of champagne.

"WHAT?!" The girl cried. "You can't do that! No one deserves a mother like you, I should know!"

"Well who deserves a daughter like you!" Patsy barked. "Oh good God Eds… you don't think…"

"No, no darling." She said, looking back at Saffy.

"You're right. That kind of genetic malformation isn't likely to occur for another millennia…"

"What kind of a baby? A baby fossil? What happened to the knitting needle?!" Saffy cried. "You're playing a joke on me… You can't be serious about getting pregnant you old tart!"

Patsy and Eddy gasped.  
"And keeping it! What happened to your eggs I thought you used to be a man!"

"It was the _lone_ egg sweetheart." Eddy rolled her eyes.

"Yeah well so did I!"

"No, no darling, look, look. See. Baby, baby." Eddy baby talked, handing her daughter the sonogram photo with her friend's approval. Patsy nodded. "Baby, baby we're going to have a baby darling." Eddy said, warming to the idea.

"Isn't it wonderful Eds, I've been so happy since I found out." Patsy faked, mindlessly sipping her champagne.

Saffy scrutinized the photo, knitting her brow. "It says from Hampstead Abortion Clinic!" She looked up aghast.

Patsy and Eddy exchanged glances, neither wanting to say what had really happened: that she'd gone, with every intent to terminate, changed her mind just as they were starting, then gotten kicked out of the clinic and asked never to return after of course lighting up two more fags while laying in the surgery.

Patsy paused, almost nibbling on her cigarette. "I hear they've modernized the knitting needle…"


	2. The Cord

Ch 2- The Cord

"There is… there is just one thing." Patsy began.

She paused for a moment. It was the first time in a long time that she hadn't known how to ask for what she wanted. Patsy found herself in a sensitive place, one wrought with emotion and (as she would soon find) hormones that didn't typically dictate her behavior.

"What is it sweetie? You can ask me anything, especially now that you're joining the _mum_ club."

" _You_ still haven't." Saffy glared, Eddy stared back as if to hiss.

Mother and daughter paused a beat then stopped cold when Patsy said nothing. Instead, she stared back at her friend, like a deer caught in the headlights and hugged her middle. In an instant Saffy saw real fear. Eddy tapped her lightly on her arm.

"Well go on Pats its your turn." She said, prodding her to insult Saffy.

"Mum… perhaps we should call hospital?" Saffy raised an eyebrow.

"Perhaps we should call hospital." Eddy mimicked.

"Eds." Patsy began, grabbing her friend's hand. "You've…" She didn't know if these were the right words. After all, she needed to convince but not pander. "Eds I've watched you do a tremendous job at being a mother."

"Ha!" Saffy laughed, clearly offended by Patsy's words.

"You see darling _tremendous_ I did a tremendous job!"

"Tremendously terrible!" She cried.

Patsy wasn't in the mood for their usual back and forth and tugged on her friend's wrist, grabbing it with both hands. Eddy looked down, noting Patsy's desperation and at once, ignoring her daughter's.

"Eddy I can't do this on my own. And I know you'll be there for me…"

"That's right darling." Eddy pat her hand.

"But I can't… I can't care for it on my own, and have it on my own and so I'm asking, please… can I move in with you?!" She cried, making a pouty face.

"YES!" Eddy exclaimed just as Saffy cried: "NO!"

"Oh darling she needs a place to go!" Eddy begged.

"She has her own flat, she has her own money, let her get a bigger one and hire a nanny to take care of it! It's not as if she's going to pay it any mind anyway. Or notice when it cries, when it goes hungry…" She snapped bitterly. "I say put it out of its misery. Abort, abort, abort, abort!" Saffy yelled, leaning down into Patsy's face.

Patsy paused a beat, the words tearing at her heart. They were her own words, ones Saffy had heard on repeat since she was a small girl. It was then that Patsy finally heard herself and at once understood how vile she'd been to Saffy all her life. But the realization wouldn't last, and instead, pain and selfishness, coupled with a dash of maternal instinct, kicked in.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Patsy hissed, reaching out to slap the almost grown girl.

"Ah!" Saffy cried, jumping back. "There that's it right there! The two of you just intimidate: you don't parent! You can't manage a baby on your own and your blood or not, the poor thing doesn't deserve to suffer the likes of you! It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!"

Saffy's heart raced, feeling exhilarated by having finally told them off in such a bitter, exacting way. At the same time, Patsy's news crushed the young woman, opening bitter wounds about her earlier years that still stung, but which she was mature enough to mentally deal with on her own.

But knowing them as she did, she worried. Would they kill this baby? Would she have to relive her own suffering, watching it be neglected and ridiculed like she was? Or almost worst, would the pair of friends (who at times functioned more like a couple) love this child and yet still find a reason to resent her? Saffy thought that would be much more painful to watch. Saffy looked up at her mother and friend, knowing that all of this was somewhat unlikely, but that for the two of them, moderation was something out of science fiction.

Patsy and Eddy stopped, exchanging glances, knowing very well that they'd caused Saffy to suffer throughout her growing up. Within themselves they acknowledged the neglect and emotional abuse but held their tongues, thinking even more about their failings, the ones that had come out of inexperience and selfishness and turned into something a kin to a labor of love. It would be many years before Saffy realized it, but her mother (and yes, sometimes even Patsy too) had at times gone to great lengths to do the right thing, to show their love for her… and much of the time it had backfired.

"Saffy…" Patsy began. She had an idea.

"NO!" The teen was still livid and didn't even catch on to the fact that they hadn't reacted to her outburst.

"But darling we haven't even asked you yet." Eddy tried to reason.

"What? What are you going to want now, hmm? My room? Because you can't have it!"

"Oooh that's a good id…" Eddy stopped, seeing how seething angry her daughter was with her.

"Have you seen a doctor?" She asked calmly, knowing full well they were going to ask her to help take care of the baby so they wouldn't kill it.

Saffy didn't want to help but felt bad for the baby. She couldn't truly fathom what kind of hell it would be to have Patsy as your mum and knew the baby would either be born under a bad sign or cursed with the worst luck this side of the Atlantic.

"Well… at the… _clinic_." Patsy reasoned.

Saffy sighed impatiently. "You _have_ to see a doctor right away! You're of advanced maternal age and you've been…"

"HAAAA!" Patsy and Eddy cried, offended more by that statement than anything else.

"I'm not _advanced_ you little…" Patsy began.

"You've been drinking and smoking and that can really hurt a baby!"

"Trust me darling, if drinking and smoking could hurt a baby." Eddy laughed. "Darling, you've come out ashes." Eddy clapped her hands, laughing at her own joke as Saffy gave a frustrated sigh.

"You're really going to go through with this?" Saffy asked. "At your age. With your track record, with your love of yourselves!"

Saffy was upset but tried not to show it. Something inside her heart pushed her and she found she wanted with everything in her to save this child, even if that meant not letting it be born, or having it be adopted out. In short, Saffy wanted the Stone baby to have opportunities she hadn't in life.

"Well darling of course…" Eddy began, but Saffy shut her up.

"This isn't like that kitten of mine you got rid of."

"Lost darling." Eddy corrected.

Saffy almost grunted, growing angrier by the second. "This is a big decision. A baby, a human life! You have to provide for her and care for her… and love her." Saffy found herself on the verge of tears but her mother didn't notice. "And with all you've done these past three months… Patsy please listen: she could be very sick."

Again, mother and daughter paused a beat when Patsy said nothing. The blonde swallowed budding tears and placed her hands over her stomach, pressing hard inwardly.

"Pats?" Eddy asked, having never seen the look on her friend's face.

"Oh my God Eddy. What have I done?" She asked tearfully.

"About what?" Eddy asked, not seeing a reason to be upset.

"It's alright Patsy." Saffy soothed, seeing real remorse in the woman's eyes and realizing she was trying to hide it. "You couldn't have known. How could you've known?"

Patsy paused, sitting up straight. "I should've known earlier." She said. "We could've made plans for the beauty treatments so much sooner."

"Beauty treatments?" Saffy asked, watching as the two older women made their way up the kitchen stairs.

"It's what you do with the cord blood darling." Eddy turned, poking her head back into the kitchen. "It's all the rage."

….

Two Weeks Later

'Am I really doing the right thing?' Patsy asked herself.

She hated lunching alone, but the woman who never ate and rarely found herself in the midst of deep contemplation felt the need to do both. She sat on a park bench alone a sandwich in hand. Patsy gagged as she ate. On one hand, she could barely stand the sensation of masticating let alone swallowing such a bulky food. It slid down rough and landed in her stomach hard like a rock. Yet there was something oddly satisfying about it that kept her chomping at the bit, and as quickly as she could.

"This is your fault you scrubby little sea monster!" She muttered angrily. Patsy took a breath, trying to calm herself. "We're not going to treat it that way, remember…" She said under her breath.

As a small child, Patsy remembered wondering why her mother was so angry with her. She hadn't asked to be born in fact she wished she hadn't been. It'd be the same with this child. No one asked for her to be born and yet soon, there she'd be. Patsy knew she'd never be perfect, and maybe she'd never even be good but she never wanted her baby to wonder why she'd allowed it to be born or to know what it was like to wish that she hadn't been.

Sure she'd wished that on Saffy but that had been… well it'd been in fun now hadn't it? But something about this was different. It struck her deep in the soul, in a gentle, damaged place she hadn't known existed before then. There it became too real, too deep and bitter to the bone. Patsy didn't allow herself to think of it much, only giving the feelings enough permission for them to resonate in the center of her heart, and remind her that she couldn't be so cruel. She'd never show it to the world, or even admit it to Eddy, but she knew everything depended on not becoming her mother.

Patsy looked down at herself in relative disbelief. Having barely eaten in the last twenty years, she'd remained very trim for all of that time. But now, just the slightest amount of fat rested just above her hipbones and in some way, she resented it.

'It's a person.' She tried to reason. 'Not fat. You're still thin, its getting bigger, _your_ not.'

But still, Patsy seethed. It'd all happened much too quickly. She'd only known a few weeks and here she was… _showing_.

"You." Patsy growled, looking down.

'No, no.' The voice inside nagged.

There it was: that voice again. Patsy didn't know what it was but found it disquieting. Something about it smacked of pestilence but something else rang of the purest peace.

'If you behave like that all will be forsaken and you'll never have learned anything, now will you have?'

It was an odd voice, something of herself, but something fundamentally stronger. She sighed, overwhelmed, angry and even a little happy all at once. It'd been just a few days before that she and Eddy had gone to see a doctor at Saffy's insistence. Patsy thought it had been an odd, insulting experience.

"Now." Eddy had said to the doctor as soon as Patsy lay down. "Lets, let's just get this one thing straight. If the mum used to be a man, that's not going to hurt the baby, is it?"

"W-what?" The young doctor asked. She was an Asian woman who didn't seem much older than Saffy, and was confused to the point of nervousness by Patsy and Edina.

"Oh that's right." Patsy thought aloud.

"Patsy had a sex change operation."

"Oh…" The doctor commented uncomfortably.

"But it fell off." Patsy explained, not noticing how terrified the physician now seemed. "And we also came to ask about the cord blood."

"What about it?" She asked, relieved by what she thought was a normal question. But Dr. Chang didn't realize the women had something else in mind. "It can be very beneficial to keep it for the baby if…"

"No, no." Patsy began. "Beauty treatments."

"For us darling." Eddy indicated.

Dr. Chang paused, nodding nervously. Despite her nerves, she understood Patsy and Eddy's… _type of person_ per say and saw what she considered to be too much of it in her practice.

"You didn't um... Ms. Stone, you didn't get pregnant _for_ that reason?" She asked suspiciously.

"No, no this was an accident." Patsy clarified a little too quickly. "But isn't that a good idea Eddy!"

"Why didn't we ever think of that?! We could've been poppin' them out all that time and by now we'd look younger than when we started." Eddy spat almost bitterly.

"Oh wait darling we can't've done that." Patsy clarified.

"Oh right, that's what made Saf so ugly!"

"Saf?" The doctor asked, trying to access their family dynamic.

"That's right, we stole her youth!" Patsy spat. "And oh good God!" She cried, looking her friend up and down. "I'm going to look like you! A fat potato!"

"Look like me well I…"

"STOP it, stop it ladies." The doctor tried to force a calmness between them. Overwhelmed, she took a deep breath. "Before we begin, do you want to know the baby's sex?"

"No!" Patsy said, almost offended at the notion. "I'm traditional!"

"But you have no traditions darling."


	3. The Heart of It

Ch 3- The heart of it

Two Months Later

"Patsy what do you want?" Eddy asked.

It was late and stormy out and all three of them were parked in front of the television, a place Patsy and Eddy never would've thought they'd find themselves several months before.

"A girl I guess… although!" Patsy barked, staring at Saffy as she shoved another spoonful of frozen yogurt into her mouth, practically gagging on it.

A couple of months had passed and Patsy's simultaneous cravings and aversion to food had only grown more intense. This was her third attempt that day to choke something down and like all the other efforts before it it wasn't going well.

"A girl isn't _bad_!" Saffy pointed out.

"Although I preferred the boy." Eddy voiced.

"But I don't know anything about little boys." Patsy said, resting the small carton of ice cream on her fast growing stomach.

Saffy stared, still finding it odd to see the woman that way. Patsy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, wanting to take a break from all of this discussion and most of all, from the burden of food.

"But you remember Serge don't you darling?" Eddy asked contemplating the son she missed so much.

"And you were a man." Saffy reasoned.

"Yes but… I'd rather have a girl. I'd know more about raising girls..." She said, her mouth full.

Patsy had never told Eddy the truth. She'd never seen a reason to. She'd had many brothers, but her mother had farmed them all out only keeping her and Jackie for any length of time. So the idea of having a son was totally foreign to her and kind of haunted her a little bit. Patsy wasn't the world's deepest thinker, but she wondered if maybe she'd be worse with a son than a daughter because her mother was.

"Ha! Raising." Saffy rolled her eyes. "You shouldn't be raising anyone. Gay men know far more about little girls than you do, let them raise her!"

Saffy was serious, her father knew a couple that wanted to adopt and the suggestion never left the tip of her tongue. She didn't think it was right of Patsy (or her mother really) to get a baby just because she happened to be capable of having one, after all, she wouldn't love it, or so Saffy was convinced.

"Ask your father about that darling." Eddy voiced under her breath.

"That's not even an insult!" Saffy snapped.

"OOH!" Patsy cried. "Oh, Eddy, Eddy my side, my side!"

"What?" Eddy asked quickly.

"God that hurt! What the hell was that?" She winced, placing her hand low on her side.

"Let me see, let me see…" Eddy said, placing her hand on Patsy's side. She paused for a moment. "Oh, it's just moving darling."

"THEY MOVE?!"

"Yes." Saffy voiced, not believing Patsy didn't know that.

"It's kind of a pain but you get used to it darling." Eddy advised.

"THEY MOVE?! Whoa!" Patsy somehow had no idea.

"They move, they kick, they punch, they put on a parade in there darling. So much so you'd think everyone in the world was going to be Fred Astaire before they were born. It can hurt, but it can feel… well it can feel kind of cool. You know you… you kind of get to know baby that way." Eddy tried not to act like there was any emotion attached to this new information but smiled briefly over at Saffy, causing her to blush.

"Speaking of which, if it moves it's about time to find out what it is!" Saffy added. She was excited about the prospect after all she wanted to know what _she'd_ be raising.

"Oh that's right darling we must find out then we can go shopping!" Eddy cried. "Your appointment's tomorrow it's perfect!"

Patsy paused. "I think I'll wait: want to be surprised." Patsy said quickly.

"But darling we…" Eddy began.

Patsy didn't answer, but replied by shoving another spoonful of ice cream in her mouth and turning the volume up on the television.

…

Patsy winced, feeling the baby move inside. It was the strangest sensation she'd ever felt in her whole life. As she lay there, she slowly realized that nothing in the world compared to it. Not the highest of drunken, wasted highs, not the most intense euphoria. Not even her lowest lows compared in a sense of pure emotion. Patsy lay in the dark, wondering how her mother could not have felt anything. She'd had so many children, all of them opportunities to change. Patsy didn't think her own baby would change her that much, but as its tiny foot grazed her belly, she knew definitively that she must show it love. Patsy closed her eyes, pressing her palm into where the baby kicked, and knowing her mother as she did, she marveled at the road she'd not taken.

Patsy had always known, but had been too emotionally hardened to admit that love was always the better choice. It was the reason she clung to Eddy from the time they met as kids: her love and semblance of normalcy had in many ways saved Patsy's life.

"Y-you're going to have me." She whispered to the baby, her words met with a sound kick. Patsy felt terrified and a bit ridiculous to speak to it, even in the privacy co her own room, but nonetheless she felt compelled to do it anyway. "I never had a good home growing up. Mummy didn't really have a mummy, and so she doesn't know how to be one. But she will try her best for you. M-mummy wow I suppose I am your mother…" She whispered impossibly quaintly.

Patsy found that her mind raged as the baby kicked. How in the world could her mother have been so heartless? To abuse them, starve them, scream in their faces. She'd watched her farm them out, manipulate them, twist their emotions, make them do bad things … Her brothers, the ones who she farmed out, were never with them for very long and when they were they'd get into trouble.

Patsy's favorite brother, Thomas had been several years Jackie's senior but looked very much like her. For a long time, she had wondered if they had had the same father. Patsy remembered her mother being worst to Thomas. She'd force him to steal for her when he was around. She played sick games with his head. If he stole, four-year-old little Patsy got dinner that night. But the catch was, he went hungry. If he didn't steal, he was given a feast fit for a king, but little Patsy starved and seven year old Jackie got beaten within an inch of her life…

This is what she meant when she told Saffy she'd had everything she'd never had. She had a brother whose life wasn't hanging in the balance for hers. A mother, who despite her failings really did love her and would never dream of making her play mind games for food, or touch a hair on her head. And best of all: a father who loved her.

She and Jackie had been the youngest two, the ones who her mother had kept and taken the best care of. How horrendously had the older Stone children been treated when they'd barely been given a chance? Patsy had never even met her oldest sisters, but knew they were grown and old enough to have children of their own by the time she was born.

Patsy winced, a tear coming to her eye when she felt her child kick her hard. It'd just started earlier in the evening, but now it was relentless: tiny little kicks that rocked her world, reminding her of her broken, abusive family but at once making her feel whole inside.

"I- I think I can _love_ you." She whispered, swallowing her tears at the thought of her lost brother.

She and Jackie had never been able to figure what happened to Charles after her mother last tossed him out. They never saw or heard from him again and when that happened, all semblance of stability in Patsy's life had gone out the window and never really returned, well not till Eddy anyhow.

"I love you." She managed. Three little words she'd never uttered to anyone else, save Eddy a few times. "Oooh!" She jumped.

Patsy found herself almost terrified as the child stirred, its coming to life a reminder that time was moving on too quickly and that _she_ was grossly inadequate for the role that awaited her. Patsy paused, fear rising in her throat as she rested her hand on her side. She bit her lip, considering her options for a moment. She really wanted a girl, but couldn't bear to find out what it was, feeling that the knowledge she was having a boy might drive her mad with worry.

Then it hit her again: abortion. It'd been a very viable option. But she feared the bold force that had willed her out of that office, the baby still intact. It'd been purposeful, otherworldly and altogether uncharacteristic of her. She didn't understand what could've willed her to take on such a huge responsibility especially one that would change her life so drastically.

In addition to emotionally burdened, part of Patsy was baffled. But as she lie in bed, being kicked in the side, part of her realized she was also happy. Deep inside, a part of her was overjoyed that she was going to have family: real family for the first time in her life. But she still wondered, ' _Can I do this? Should I do this? Does a child deserve to suffer me?'_

"I promise you'll have it better than I ever did...somehow." Patsy pulled the blankets up around her neck, rolled over on her side and cried herself to sleep.

…

The next morning came a bit too quickly for Patsy's tastes. Her ultrasound was that day, the one that would determine the baby's sex. Patsy was not incredibly enthused about finding out, not knowing how she'd handle the news that she was about to have a son. She knew the knowledge would skew her thinking and push her toward the idea of adoption or even abortion again. When in reality, all she really wanted to spare her child the pain of being raised by an emotionally flawed person, just as she had been. Deep down, Patsy wondered if that meant she actually loved her probable baby son, but didn't let the thought rise to her conscious.

Eddy's attitude wasn't helping matters much. She'd woken up that morning feeling ill, craving a cigarette and still in a quandary about whether to find out what she was having or not. But the last thing on earth she'd wanted was to be force fed by her overweight friend, who quite frankly, had turned from auntie-to-be to something more comparable to an overzealous, overcautious expectant father. Patsy supposed someone needed to fill the role but it was getting on her last nerve.

"You need to EAT darling." Eddy insisted, placing a stack of pancakes in front of her friend. She took a fork full of pancake and tried to feed it to her. Patsy thought she would retch and reached into her purse for a cigarette.

"You little bitch troll from hell." She seethed, looking up at Saffy.

"It's bad for the baby!" She defended.

Saffron had taken Patsy's cigarettes away weeks before out of fear that smoking would harm the baby. Since then, Patsy had done her best to keep from smoking, something that only added to her growing physical and emotional misery.

"Oooh." Patsy squeezed her eyes shut, the smell of the food churning her stomach. She didn't realize the child inside felt the same, and that like her, wasn't partial to fatty foods or really any food.

"Have you given anymore thought to finding out darling?" Eddy pressed.

"No I'm not ready yet!" She cried, the thought making her stomach flip again.

"Oh please, please darling. I promise you'll be happier that way. That way we can prepare for the baby and…"

Patsy shoved the plate away and ran up the stairs, covering her mouth. Without a word, Eddy looked around to ensure her daughter wasn't watching and started eating the breakfast her best friend had declined.

"Mum!" Saffy sighed.

"Why doesn't she want to know? I wanted to know what you were. I still do." She whispered that last part, part of her still assuming her frumpy daughter was gay.

"Mum she… she's scared." She tried to explain.

They'd never discussed it, but Saffy thought she understood what was going on in Patsy's mind. Patsy wasn't stupid and Saffy knew she must be terrified that her own hellish childhood would have a profoundly bad impact on her role as a mother, something Saffy understood all too well. At the same time, the smart teen had the wherewithal to realize that her upbringing had been like a picture of a loving family compared with Patsy's. In a way, the girl regretted telling her mother's best friend that no child should have to suffer her, knowing that it had set off a string of anxiety attacks that were now making her physically sick.

"Scared, scared of what?" Eddy questioned.

"Shu, she's coming!" Saffy sighed, wanting to explain all of this to her mother, but knowing she wouldn't get through to her anyway.

Patsy came down the stairs and took her seat, noticeably a little bit greyer and more tired looking than before. Defeated, she sat back in her chair and stared down at the now partially eaten breakfast.

"Pat's we'll go shopping that's what we'll do!" Eddy suggested. "After the ultrasound darling, that way we can get some things for baby."

Saffy watched as Patsy stared down at the plate, her eyes welling with tears that Edina did not see.

"Yeah Eds that's right." She whispered. "Shopping will fix everything."

…..

Two Hours Later

"W-what do you mean… _fast_?" Patsy asked.

Eddy was surprised to hear her friend voice concern in such a way she seemed breathless, almost dumbfounded by the news. She didn't think she'd ever seen Patsy care so deeply about anything so selfless and beyond that, she'd never expected the appointment to take this particular direction. Edina had gone in excited, and looking forward to the shopping session that would ensue.

"Well by fast they just mean, they just mean a bit more than normal, right?" Eddy tried to comfort, patting a now panicked Patsy's hand.

Eddy hadn't taken her daughter's concerns about the baby's health seriously and didn't think the doctor could really be suggesting that something was wrong, wrong. But she was.

"No." Dr. Chang replied calmly, shaking her head. "The baby's heart isn't quite … right." She didn't know how else to put it. "Not to mention it's very small."

Patsy and Eddy stopped at the omission, neither of them able to say a word.

"My baby's heart is… is what?" Patsy's own heart flipped, her mind blocking out everything else.

All along she'd known all along she was making a mistake, not only in trying to have this child but in even believing that she could. She'd gone back and forth and back and forth on how she felt, repeatedly bouncing from guarded excitement to resentment and back again. But now she couldn't say how utterly panicked she was.

Patsy swallowed hard trying her best not to let her impending tears show. She said nothing but reached toward the screen, brushing her fingers lightly along the outline of the baby without even thinking about it. She couldn't fathom the news that something was wrong: not now. Something about the doctor's words settled her yo-yo-ing emotions in the most unsettling of ways, making her realize that she was truly attached… that she loved it now. It was someone she'd quietly looked forward to, someone she'd reluctantly chosen Ralph Lauren for… someone whose well being she'd contemplated deeply… not just some blip on a screen.

"H-how bad is it?" She asked, really wanting a cigarette now.

Patsy had done the hard thing just once before in her life, in having taken care of her mother and as she sat there watching her baby, she felt convicted to do it again if needed.

The doctor sighed. "It will be born alive. It's not the worst I've seen I'm not even sure what's…."

"Will it… live?" Eddy asked pointedly, watching her friend's eyes widen at the

question.

"I can't say much more. I want to run a couple of other tests."

Eddy took Pats' hand. "Do you… do you…" Patsy couldn't finish.

"Baby will be fine darling." Eddy tried to soothe.

"I did this Eds." She said, convicted of her actions now.

"No, no darling, you didn't, you didn't that's nonsense."

"Yes! I did this!" Patsy spat, her eyes dark. "At least you brought yours into the world before you wrecked them, you and my mother both! And look what I've done!." Patsy knew right away it was her fault: her and the cigarettes, and the drugs and the weeks of not knowing that would've made all the difference for her baby.

"Miss Stone, I'm not sure you're wholly at fault here…" The doctor tried to comfort.

"I wanted to be a good mother and I just mucked it all up." Patsy admitted quietly, letting her guard down a bit.

"We can't know that… not now and you didn't know what you didn't know." The doctor pointed out on her way out the room.

"Wait." Patsy said, pausing for a moment, deciding that she'd bring all the terrible news down on her head in that moment. If she was going to loose it anyway, she wanted to know now, she needed the time. "What is it?"

The doctor smiled suddenly. "We'll find a way, and she's a girl."

"Darling…" Eddy tried to soothe when Dr. Cheng left, but Patsy said nothing and simply started to sob.


	4. The Shower

Ch 4- The Shower

"Are you alright darling?" Eddy asked, knocking on the door, Saffy at her heals.

Patsy lay on her bed, staring up catatonic at the ceiling and refusing to answer. The normally callous woman couldn't bring herself to make a sound or shed a tear but instead let her thoughts run wild, the worries and what ifs consuming her like a tidal wave. She'd always thought it was a miracle that she'd survived, that she'd turned out right despite having been dragged up rather than brought up. It'd been years, eons even since Patsy had considered motherhood but when she had she'd always promised herself that her child would at least be given to while being dragged, rather like Saffy had been. And now there was nothing: no chance, no hope, just a gaping void waiting in the dark to swallow her impending daughter whole.

"We don't know anything yet for sure." Eddy tried to reason. "We don't even know _what's_ wrong yet."

Patsy heard mumbles, but moreover her best friend's voice faded into the foreground, the cadence of her fast beating heart the only sound she could really hear.

"Look." Saffy sighed from her place behind her mother. "I know you feel bad…"

Something about the sound of Saffy's voice, whiney and a bit too apologetic triggered Patsy and called her back to the moment.

"I don't feel _**bad**_!' Patsy barked, not wanting it to be known that she cared.

Patsy sniffled, trying to ensure that her voice didn't break when she spoke.

"You feel bad!" Saffy insisted. "But how were you to have known?"

The bitch troll's words resonated with Patsy on some level, even though she did not want to admit it. She rested her hand on her middle and took a deep breath, her heart breaking a little more. Patsy had seldom experienced feelings of such bittersweetness. Perhaps when Jackie had stolen the only man she'd ever wanted to marry, perhaps upon her mother's death. In some way, she wanted the responsibility for her baby's condition: it gave her power she wouldn't otherwise have and at least gave her insight into a destiny she had no desire to face, that of life with a sick child she'd wanted a good life for.

"Pats, can we come in?" Eddy asked.

Patsy couldn't move her lips: she felt utterly and wholly numb. Upon hearing no reply, Eddy turned the door handle and walked into the room surprised to find it pitch dark.

"Oh Pats." Eddy whispered, crawling on to the side of the bed and laying beside Patsy, taking her in her arms. Saffy sat at the foot of the bed.

"OOOWWW!" The teen yelled when with a swift kick of Patsy's heal, she found herself on the floor. "Mum! She…"

"Ewww Eddy, Eddy she touched my bed!"

"Go, go darling now's not a good time, now's not a good time."

Saffy furrowed her brow and stared back at the two in disgust as she left the room and shut the door.

"Have you got any names yet darling?" Eddy asked, still holding her friend close.

"What's the point?" Patsy asked gruffly, lighting a cigarette she'd had stashed in her pocket.

"What are you doing?" Eddy asked. "Darling maybe they really are bad for the baby darling they…"

"IF SHE'S SICK THEN WHAT'S THE BLOODY POINT?" Patsy spat, almost shaking now. "We should've known, you drank and partied and God knows what when you were having that one and she _is_ a hideous accident. HEY!" She cried when Eddy took the cigarette out of her mouth and snuffed it out.

"No more, no more darling." She said. "Little Pats still has a chance. And we'll make sure she gets it: together."

"Little Pats? Eddy I like it!"

…

Three Weeks Later

"Patricia Annabella Victoria Edina Lucille Mary Jane Stone." Saffy considered.

"Little Pats." Patsy clarified.

"You want that all on _**one**_ cake! Are you mad?"

"Of course we want it on _**one**_ cake!" Patsy spat, her shaky hand on her back. She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. Weeks upon weeks of

refraining from her regular habits: drinking, smoking, and even an occasional cup of tea, had left Patsy shaky and even unnerved.

"Are you alright?" Saffy asked when she took a deep breath.

She'd noticed something odd about Patsy in the past few days and wasn't letting on that she was concerned about it. For once, her mother was working and as such, she and Patsy were stuck in the house together planning her upcoming baby shower.

 _"Is it a little shower for babies?" Patsy had asked when Saffy started to plan the event. They'd certainly not had one for either of Edina's pregnancies, nor had she ever heard of one_.

 _"No, it's a party for the baby." Saffy had tried to explain._

 _"Do we give the baby a shower?" Patsy questioned again. The idea made sense to Patsy, having recently learned that babies come out bloody and covered in muck._

 _Saffy sighed. "No. It's like a wedding shower."_

 _Patsy paused for a moment, knowing she couldn't be wrong about this one. "Well that's when the couple showers together in front of the wedding part..."_

" _No." Saffy simply shook her head._

"Oooh." Patsy muttered.

"WHAT?" Saffy asked, alarmed.

"NOTHING." Patsy spat.

"Suit yourself." She shrugged.

"Oooh! S-Saffy."

"I don't hear anything." Saffy almost sung, turning back to the cake batter she was stirring.

Patsy swallowed hard, looking down at the chair. "S-Saffy… I think I'm bleeding."

…

Eddy would always remember running into the hospital so fast that she slipped several times, almost falling on her face, knocking over an old man, and running straight into a gurney which carried her half way down the hall before she was able to disembark. She scurried into her lifelong friend's room, the words _"Is the baby okay?"_ hanging on the tip of her tongue. She passed Saffy reading in the hall and practically slid into the room, her heals gliding haphazard on the slippery floor. She caught herself on the doorframe and was able to stop, surprised to find her friend lying peacefully in bed, watching the heart monitor as it went _tick-tick-tick_.

"Pats?" She approached, almost slipping again, but catching herself as she went and sat at her side.

"She's okay." She managed a smile. "She's going to be fine."

"Oh! Really?" Eddy smiled, showing such relief you would think she was the child's father.

"The doctor says its Patsy, not necessarily the baby." Saffy explained, slipping in behind her mother.

"Darling?" Eddy asked Patsy squeezed her hand.

"It's the abuse on her body, from everything over the years. All the drugs, the alcohol."

"The overdoses." Patsy added, smiling as if those were badges of honor hard won.

"The lack of nutrition." Saffy said pointedly and Patsy sneered. "She's not strong enough to carry to full term, which is why the baby's a bit littler than she should be."

"What's that mean?" Eddy asked and Patsy looked up at her questioningly, having not understood the doctor's prior meaning when she'd said the baby was little. Saffy sighed, sitting on the end of the bed.

"EEEE Eds she's on my bed!" She cried, flinching. Saffy rolled her eyes and stood.

Saffy once more. "Patsy's being put on a special diet, and a special regimen of vitamins. The hope is that she'll get fat." She said pointedly and Patsy gasped, obviously horrified.

"And the heart?" Eddy questioned before her daughter could explain further.

Saffy shrugged, frustrated now. "It's not what they thought… it may just be Patsy's body stressing the baby's. They won't know more till she's born but for now Patsy's to be put on bed rest."

…

A Month Later

Mother and daughter had never expected their lifelong roommate to be such a bad patient. Mrs. Monsoon could've told you that, having nursed poor Patsy through the chicken pox when she was fifteen. But even Saffy would not have expected the demanding nature that would overtake her nemesis once she was stuck in bed. Saffy sighed, bracing herself against the kitchen counter. Her legs ached and she found herself very tired of going up and down the stairs every few minutes when Patsy rang the bell they'd given her. She had half a mind to confiscate it, but decided against it at last minute, realizing it was an irresponsible idea to leave the now very pregnant, angry woman on her own. She had, however, had words with her before last leaving the room, insisting that she eat her slop, quiet down and give someone some peace for five minutes. Saffy was exhausted and dozed off standing. She jumped suddenly, awakened when the doorbell rang.

"MUM!" She whined. "I'm tired."

"Ummmm." Edina moaned. Saffy hadn't noticed her mother from her place on the kitchen floor. "Oooh darling it doesn't look like I'm exactly setting the world on fire, now does it?"

She was annoyed with Patsy and like her daughter, had failed at persuading Patsy it was an exciting day.

 _"No its not. I'm mortified. I'm…_ _ **fat**_ _." She'd said at least five times. "And now everyone I know is going to see me…_ _ **fat!**_ _"_

The doorbell rang a second time causing mother and daughter to jump, then groan when Patsy rang her bell again.

"I've an idea. Let's draw straws." Edina suggested. Neither of them had any desire to wait on Patsy.

"Not this time." Saffy laughed. "I always draw the short end of the stick."

"That's you and the genetic lottery darling." Edina voiced. Saffy turned and looked at her, raising an eyebrow.

"Patsy wasn't here to say it." She tried to explain herself but was cut out a second time by the ringing doorbell.

…

Sure enough, Patsy's worst fears and greatest irritations came to the forefront when Catriona and Fleur came to her bedside baring gifts. Neither could fathom seeing Patsy in such a state but tried not to let on. Both women, whom Patsy and Edina secretly found peculiar, found themselves struggling not to tell their co-worker that she was fat.

Many other people had brought or sent gifts for the occasion. Magda, Patsy's boss had stopped by with work for her to do while in bed and a special card entitling Patsy to free clothes anywhere she liked. The fast talking cockney hadn't stayed long. Saffy and Eddy hadn't understood why, something about Valentino and not having time for his shit. Then Saffy's father had come, bringing with him an antique crib Eddy found enchanting. All went well until she berated him for not providing something so elegant when Saffy had been born.

Despite all of that, the real irritation downstairs coincided with the arrival of Bo and Marshall.

"Such a blessed event!" Bo exclaimed coming down the kitchen stairs and helping Marshall sit in one of the dining chairs. "Where is the little mother to be!?"

"On bed rest." Eddy said, wondering why her daughter had even invited them and why they were always there to begin with.

Having been tremendously annoyed by her friends, Patsy sent them home and made her way down the stairs to the kitchen, a trip she was allowed to make every couple of days or so, but which took a lot of strength.

"Pats should you be…" Eddy began when she saw her come down.

"Oh God no." She muttered turning on her heals when she saw Bo and Marshall but it was too late.

"She's here!" Bo exclaimed. "When I heard bed rest I thought I'd come up and see you, I'm a nurse you know."

"A dental nurse Bo!" Marshall reminded, seeming a bit annoyed by his new wife's boisterousness.

"Oh goodness gracious look at you!" Bo exclaimed, seeing Patsy more fully now that she'd descended the stairs. "You look like you're just about to pop!" She laughed. "It's a good thing we're here, have you given much consideration to your nipples?"

"Bo!" Marshall exclaimed as Saffy and Eddy looked on, almost horrified at the question.

"He never did that I can recall." Eddy mumbled.

"As much as anybody I suppose." Patsy said flatly, sitting down at the table with Eddy's assistance.

Bo paused for a second and rummaged through her purse, lifting out an oddly shaped, plastic contraption none of them could easily identify and placing it against Patsy's breast.

"What in the hell is that?" Eddy inquired.

Saffy said nothing, deeply disturbed by the proceedings and removed her glasses, beginning to clean them in the hope that she could see better.

Patsy took the device and studied it for a moment. "Thanks but you see I'm already pregnant."

"It's a breast pump." Saffy realized.

Patsy and Edina paused, looking to the young woman for guidance, neither of them knowing much about that kind of thing.

"Sorry a breast what…" Eddy asked.

"We're lactation consultants now!" Bo informed, causing Eddy to retch a little.

"We're in the business of selling breast milk." Marshall clarified.

 _Every one was easily able to imagine the infomercial for Bo and Marshall's service and more unfortunately the new product they were selling: "On Tap."_

 _"On Tap. It's God's own bar for babies!" She chuckled. "Do you want to demonstrate honey?"_

 _"Of course Bo!" Bo took the pump and placed it over Marshall's nipples._

 _"On Tap creates three times the suction as it's leading competitor and yields 10% more milk. Can you give me a hallelujah?" She laughed again as the camera focused on the machine attempting to milk Marshall's non-existent breasts._

 _In just that moment, federal police stormed in, this time wearing jackets labeled FDA. They immediately apprehended Bo but by this time, Marshall was in agony, holding his chest in obvious pain having been severely pinched by the pump._

"Well that's bloody typical isn't it." Eddy mused.

"Now we're mostly working with starving women in Africa." Bo whispered.

"I told you they wouldn't understand Bo." Marshall said.

"Do you mean to tell me you didn't feed this little sweetheart here with the nectar of your own body?" Bo asked of Saffy who couldn't help but blush at having been called sweetheart. "God designed it just for mothers to…"

"Good God I should hope not." Eddy was repelled.

"No, we just let her forage." Patsy said, still considering the breast pump.


	5. Spare Room

Ch 5- Spare Room

"I never had a room." Patsy considered, sitting in the rocking chair as Eddy worked around her.

The baby was five weeks away and they were just getting down to transforming the spare room into a nursery. It wasn't how Saffy would've had it, but the delay was perfect for Patsy and Edina. Eddy needed the freedom to be spontaneous about the whole affair, and of course, could get nothing accomplished without the pressure of procrastination. Then there was Patsy, who was entirely too nervous about doing this. She couldn't believe it was happening, that it would all come much too soon for her tastes, and beyond that, she couldn't seem to choose anything for the baby that she liked and therefore had almost nothing.

"Never darling?"

"No."

It wasn't quite true. She had had a room. One she'd been locked in for her first few years of life, almost forgotten in. Without toys, blankets or a warm bed. And certainly without a mother's loving arms. It wasn't her refuge but her prison. Patsy considered this for a moment, realizing it was no wonder she'd always had an apprehension to home or having one of her own. She studied the little pillow in her hands, wondering if she could ever get over that and see home as something to be treasured rather than a place from which she desperately needed to escape.

"She's going to hate me." Patsy said simply.

"Of course she's going to hate you darling. You're her mother, it's your job."

"OOOOh! Eds, Eds."

"What, what!"

"It's nothing, I thought it was something but it's just a foot."

"Well its not like you're not used to being randomly kicked in the side." Eddy reminded and the two began to laugh.

"Orgies." Patsy clarified, taking out her lighter and lighting the flame, not to smoke but to glean the peace that came from simply staring at it.

There was a double meaning in that: it wasn't just the wild parties of her youth. In some way, the baby's kicks had been a trigger all of this time, a reminder of the time her mother spent randomly kicking her about and sometimes, within a second or less of this child's kick, she was back on her knees at the mercy of her mother's relentless fists.

This worried Patsy profoundly making her wonder if she was doomed to carry out the same abuse, or worse that she was doomed to be abused again. Saffy, after all was more like her grandmother: that happened. Patsy hoped, and had even attempted to pray that the child would take after her, or its father.

Of course she didn't dare convey any of these worries for fear she'd be forced to go to therapy. She didn't need help in that way. What was done of the past was done. She just needed some reassurance that it would all turn out right in the end and that she wouldn't profoundly screw this up.

"Darling." Eddy began.

"Hmm." Patsy still studied the little pillow.

"You did never tell me… who the father was." She mumbled the last part.

"What? I can't hear you Eddy."

"Who the father is." She mumbled again.

"Oh for heavens sake, she wants to know who the father is." Saffy said, coming into the room.

Both women gasped, one surprised by her daughter's bluntness the other a bit upset by the question. Patsy was trying not to think about the baby's father, because unlike most men she'd known, he was special to her. She paused for a moment grappling with whether or not she should say it.

"It's Simon's." She confessed, looking up at Eddy who immediately cringed.

Some months ago, Patsy had met a man named Simon. Even to this day, she would tell you Simon was everything and more. He was handsome, sexy, debonair, and of course: rich. A wealthy financier from an old London family, Simon was a playboy without question, but also a very nice man, too nice a bloke for Patsy and Eddy to be hanging around in some way.

Somehow, Simon had enchanted Patsy from the moment their eyes met, and disgusted Eddy to the point where the two came to despise each other quickly. It was the opposite of what usually happened when one of them got a boyfriend. Most of the time, Eddy would date someone and Patsy would hate him. At the time, it'd been a un-pleasantry neither woman had known how to deal with; one Eddy thought was behind them.

Patsy was herself conflicted. Eddy wanted nothing to do with him, not even wanting him in the house and Patsy counted him as the most wonderful man she'd ever known: the only one she'd ever wanted to marry. It was for this reason that she had been so hesitant to confess the father's identity. That, and it was simply far too painful given what had happened.

Simon made her see something in herself, something far off and shattered, but not totally destroyed after all: a bit of who she could've been had she not been so damaged. That was part of why the pregnancy scared her so much. He'd tried to impress all of that on her before leaving her, and here his baby was without him, trying, it seemed, to finish her father's mission and force her to love.

"Simon?" Eddy asked again, seeming almost hurt.

While he was _nice_ , Eddy didn't totally understand that he was also wild in an unparalleled sense. He was a businessman by day, a gentleman by nature and the biggest partier Patsy had ever known by night. He had been a perfect match.

"That nice bloke?" Saffy asked, obviously shocked. "The one who helped me with my portfolio?"

Saffy held her tongue. She'd liked Simon and at the time, had barely been able to believe he was there for Patsy. She'd almost told him he had the wrong house. In an instant she felt better about the baby, realizing there was a likelihood of getting along with it now that it was Simon's.

"Yeeeeck that's the one darling." Eddy retched.

"Simon." Patsy's heart skipped a beat and she grew quiet, almost still. Saffy knew that Patsy didn't want to talk about it, that she had been crushed by what had ultimately transpired.

"Darling he left you." Eddy reminded.

Patsy felt her heart drop at her friend's words. It'd all happened so fast and ended even faster. Patsy Stone always had flings, and every once in a while an affair, but this had been dalliance turned into a romance of whirlwind proportions. For the first time in her life, she'd been swept off her feet and she'd loved every moment of it. Then, very suddenly, he got a big promotion to his company's office in New York and simply left.

Patsy had been devastated when it had happened, thinking he would've asked her to go and Eddy didn't believe it had happened at all, something that only hurt more. Whatever the real story on Simon's departure was, it'd been the only hard breakup she'd ever had, except for when her sister stole her fiancé… and just a few weeks later she'd found out she was pregnant.

Patsy said nothing, internalizing the pain at the reminder that she was pregnant and all alone. She would get through it: she always did.

"Mum…."

"Of all the babies you could have, you have his?" Eddy seemed almost betrayed.

"Well I could say the same for you!" Patsy spat, looking over at Saffy.

….

"No, no, darling… darling…HAHHH!" Eddy sat up straight in bed, having spent the last forty minutes tossing and turning.

She'd gone to sleep without apologizing to Patsy, and moreover with idea of having Simon's child in her house running wild through her mind. She'd had hope in this baby, she'd thought it'd be a mini Patsy: that they could shape and mold her how they wished, that she would act or model… not that they'd get a goody-two-shoed version of Saffron who was good with numbers. Feeling guilty for her unkind words, she got up and crossed over to her friend's bedroom.

"Darling… darling…."

Patsy lay on the bed in the dark, staring up at the ceiling, feeling a bit numb but not particularly hurt by what had happened earlier. Eddy stopped in the doorway, feeling guilty that she'd hurt Patsy more when she was already crushed. Simon's sudden departure had been hard on her and Eddy knew she should've put the pieces together about the baby and then never asked.

"Darling. I'm so sorry."

"Eds lets go out!" Patsy exclaimed, sitting up on the bed and turning on the light.

Eddy was surprised. "W-what… but what about baby? Doesn't she have to stay in her gooshy little water net a bit longer, darling?"

"It's not a good idea!" Saffy yelled from the other room.

"I was given an afternoon of Christmas shopping, how can a little night out be any different than that?"

"It's entirely different." Saffy called.

"Come on Eds, we need to get away from the bitch troll!"

"When do we leave?" Eddy almost smirked.

…

"You can't be doing this, she has nearly five weeks!" Saffy exclaimed.

"Oh darling, daring she has Christmas shopping, Christmas shopping to do."

"Yeah Christmas shopping." Patsy agreed, looking up into the light as she put on a bit of mascara.

"Just a bit of ho-ho-ho-ing darling." Eddy exclaimed, starting to laugh.

By now the two were dressed and almost ready to go out. Eddy had chosen gotty red and white leather outfit, and absurdly tall red suede heals. Patsy had managed to stuff herself into a very fitted black mini-skirted dress with little tiny flecks of deep navy sparkles. It would've been very elegant on her if her pregnant belly weren't crammed into it so tightly, making it more pronounced than it really was. Even she noted she looked as if she were about to pop. In some way she looked nice, and in another absurd, whereas Eddy just looked a bit absurd.

"Ow!" Patsy cried when Saffy grabbed her arm, yanking the mascara away.

"You can't go out this way!"

"Well what do you know about it darling?" Eddy asked. "It's not like you _go out_. Is it darling?"

"She looks ridiculous!" Saffy protested.

"Well at least I could fit into it ever!" Patsy spat, yanking the mascara back.

"She's right darling." Eddy mused. "You can't fit into it and she can fit into it when she's about to have a baby, see." She put her hand on Patsy's side.

"That's my point! That dress is so tight I'm surprised you can't see the baby's spleen!"

"If she takes after her father or me, she won't have a spleen!" Patsy almost growled. Like Patsy, Simon was a fish in a bar.

"Fine! You know what it's just like that spare room: you two can't plan anything or be responsible no matter what happens." She laughed. "If you couldn't turn an empty room into a nursery in the amount of time you've had I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything other than this. So, if you want to go out, if you want to get drunk and stupid," she turned to her mother. "If you want to have a poor premature baby whose not going to be right BECAUSE OF YOU then it's not my problem. I won't be around this time to help you pick up the pieces!" Frustrated, Saffy slammed the door and walked away.

Patsy and Eddy froze for a moment, _seeming_ to be considering Saffy's words, maybe even taking them to heart. But it was only a moment before Eddy discounted her daughter and turned to her friend, a cigarette in hand.

"I wonder what's the matter with her?" She asked.

"Beats me." Patsy shrugged, shook her head and lit Eddy a cigarette.


	6. Birth

Ch 6- Birth

Patsy hadn't been out in forever and was surprised to feel the baby dancing within her even before she hit the dance floor herself. The room was crowded and her belly rested flesh against Eddy's back as they walked.

"Well look at this one; she's already hipper than Saffy isn't she?" Eddy giggled.

The baby's kicking gave Patsy a rare moment of hesitancy. Perhaps, if she were big enough to hear so well, then maybe it was a bad idea to have her stuffed into a mini dress and out at a club. Not used to such a confined space, the baby bounced and kicked, making her mother tremendously uncomfortable with every little punch and more than that, self-conscious. Bubble followed behind Patsy and Eddy, dressed in an obnoxious get up that mocked Patsy's outfit and state, an enormous pillow stuffed up under her dress, and a baby doll in her arms.

"Er look at this one, huge isn't she old girl?" Bubble muttered, gesturing to Patsy.

"Don't listen to her darling we're here to have fun, all right? It's the place TO BE SEEN." Eddy chuckled, taking a glass of something alcoholic off a passing tray and chugging it down.

Patsy was hesitant and looked around carefully, having never been clubbing so sober before. Normally she dragged Eddy around, encouraging her to partake in some of the wildest things imaginable but tonight their routine was switched. Eddy pulled Patsy about, ignoring her elongated moment of pause and the fact that her stomach kept hitting passers by.

"Come on darling let's dance. It's what we came to do!"

Patsy watched as Eddy pulled her onto the dance floor. She'd not been thinking right, or considering herself for what she was in that moment: a fat, pregnant whale.

"Eds who's going to want to dance with me with…"

"Well I'll dance with you, I'll dance with you darling!" Eddy cried.

Patsy, Eddy and Bubble had a surprisingly easy time fitting in on the dance floor, at least at first. Eddy, of course tripped on someone's shoe within a few minutes and started freefalling across the floor in her obnoxious six-inch heals, catching herself over and over again.

"I don't get it, this is a weird dance Eds." Patsy observed, trying to follow her friend in her falling.

Eddy grabbed Patsy's wrists, straightening herself up and taking a deep breath before starting to dance again. Eddy practically tripped over herself as she stood, Patsy more stable in her dancing now than she. Bubble stood to their side, slow dancing with the nude baby doll. They continued to dance and soon both friends had their wits about them, of course not realizing, as usual, that they were being discussed by practically everyone around them. Eddy was considered the mess, and Patsy (for the first time in her life) the fat one.

Suddenly, Patsy winced when a sharp pain ripped through her core. But she ignored it thinking that it was simply a pulled muscle and carried on dancing. Her heart picked up rapid speed over the next few minutes as the pain became more intense and she felt something inside just rip right through her.

"Oooow." She groaned audibly, but no one heard.

'Alright. It's all right you're alright.' She thought.

Patsy took a deep breath, deciding that all of this was nothing. She wasn't ready for it to be anything and moreover she'd begun to enjoy the party, despite not being totally trashed for once. She continued dancing, wincing every few minutes as the pain grew closer. Deep inside she knew this was it but wouldn't allow herself to accept it. Instead, Patsy crossed her legs, continuing to try to dance.

"Oooohoooh!" She murmured a sudden gush of water rolling down her legs, soaking the floor below.

"It's Niagara falls!" Bubble shouted.

"Shut up!" Patsy cried, holding her belly. "Eds…"

Suddenly, Eddy began to slip again and Patsy, bearing through the pain she was feeling, followed her a second time, thinking her friend's clumsiness was just part of the dance. Patsy bit her lip, not wanting to leave despite the fact that her water had broken and her pain was rapidly getting worse.

"Eds… Eddy!" Patsy said, trying to call her friend to attention. "Eddy!"

By this time, Eddy (who was now slipping and sliding in the fluid from Patsy's water) was immersed in the beat of the new song despite the fact that she was falling. Patsy's baby was also happily enjoying the song, not seeming to notice the pain that had overtaken her normally strong mother and was starting to rock her little world to its core.

"EddyEddyEddy!" Patsy cried out, finally doubling over. At that moment, Eddie finally fell smack on the floor.

"Easy old girl!" Bubble burst, still holding the doll close.

"Eddy!" Patsy cried, beginning to panic as the pain wrapped tightly around her core.

"Oh! Darling look at that." Eddy cried. "Your water's broke!"

…

"Ooooh, oooh Eddy, Eddy! I can't there's no use, I'm going to have it right here!" Patsy cried, panicked as they rushed along the busy London streets. Eddy had Patsy's hand and was pulling her along in the dark, trying to hail a taxi as they ran. "Eds is there a loo I don't think I can wait!"

"Hold it in darling hold it in!" Eddy shouted as the two of them rushed along, Patsy pressing her knees together as they tried desperately to hail a cab.

"I can't Eddy, I can't it's coming out!"

At that moment a cab sped by, rushing through a puddle and spraying them head to toe with water.

"You should've had the baby before you left the house!" Bubble chastised.

….

"Eds, Eds don't leave me! Please…" Patsy cried, reaching for her friend's hand as she was put in a wheelchair.

It took long enough, but they finally got to the hospital. Patsy was nervous and didn't want to be there at all, let alone there and apart from Eddy. She'd been dreading this for months, and worse, this would lead to the part she was really terrified of: raising it… or loosing it. It was like a moment of truth. Patsy didn't usually let herself stand for those.

"It's alright, it's alright darling. I just have to check you in and I promise I'll be right there in a minute. Alright?"

"And you are?" One of the nurses asked, raising an eyebrow at the tender scene before her.

Eddy took a wheelchair of her own and sat in it as Patsy was taken away. She began to peal off her obnoxiously tall, now soaking wet, heals not noticing that the nurse looked her up and down, not knowing what to make of her. At first she'd thought they were lesbians, and at second glance had been sure that couldn't be it.

"I'm um… well I'm the auntie. But I'm paying for the house and the nappies and the hospital bill. I'm the closest thing you'll see to a baby daddy, that's what I am sweetheart…." She laughed, leaning back in the chair and causing it to begin rolling backward down the ramp that led up to the maternity ward. "Ahhhhhhh! Owww!" Eddy yelled, the chair hitting a wall hard.

….

Patsy lie still once the nurse put her in the bed and left her alone. She found herself anxious and sullen and secretly worried to death about what was to come in a way that was horribly uncharacteristic. She didn't know that she could fathom how she felt, let alone voice it, but whatever happened she didn't think she could stand to have this little girl and then have to let go. Something inside urged Patsy to speak to the baby, but she found she couldn't will herself to make the connection: not right then, instead she took a deep breath and focused on Bubble.

"W-what are you doing?" Patsy asked, looking down toward the end of the bed where Bubble was hiding behind the footboard and repeatedly coming up.

"Trying to scare it out of ya!"

Patsy paused then hissed, causing Bubble to jump.

"I'm here darling, I'm here!" Eddy cried, grabbing the doorway as she rushed into the room.

"Eds… I'm scared." Patsy confided, looking over at the heart monitor as Bubble fled the room.

"There's no reason to be scared darling you're used to doctors."

"And needles." Patsy said dryly.

"I'll be your midwife. Having a baby is sublime darling, you have all these drugs and you're waited on hand and foot, you won't feel a thing…"

…..

An Hour Later

"Push, push darling. Push!"

"Ahhhhhhhhh! Eds, Eds, Eds, it hurts too much, I can't! I can't!"

"Stop it what are you doing!" Saffy cried, rushing into Patsy's hospital room, her packed bag on her shoulder.

She'd arrived late on account of the heavy rain. It was there she found her mother encouraging Patsy to push… when she wasn't even close to being ready.

"I'm having a baby what does it look like?!" Patsy growled, Eddy rubbing her lower back.

"It's too soon! YOU'RE NOT FULLY DIALATED it could really hurt you if you push now!"

"Well of course it hurts darling." Eddy rolled her eyes.

"Hey you lied!" Patsy spat, Eddy rolled her eyes.

"NO! It could break the baby's neck and rip you in half if you're not ready!" stop it!"

"And I suppose you've had a baby then miss know it all." Eddy mocked.

"No one would breed with her!" Patsy reminded as Eddy continued to rub her back.

"STOP pushing! That's why labor exists! So your body will know when its time to push!"

"Urrrrrgggg!" Patsy started to scream, causing Edina and her daughter to jump.

"Stop it, you'll scare the baby!" Bubble barked, cradling her doll in her arms.

"Aren't babies supposed to be born in a sterile environment?" Patsy questioned.

"Yes." Saffy sighed.

"THEN GET OUT OF HERE YOU LITTLE BITCH TROLL FROM HELL AHHHhhuuuugh!"

"Fine! Turn yourself inside out for all I care, break your daughter's neck! You won't have me to blame for it anymore!"

Saffy sighed; dropping the Louis Vuitton bag met for Patsy's baby and turned on her heals, heading out into the waiting room. Patsy and Eddy stopped for a minute, realizing they really needed her and knew nothing about this.

"Saffy!" They called.

…..

"W-what are you doing here?" Saffy asked, raising her unmanicured eyebrow when she found Bo and Marshall in the waiting room reading pregnancy magazines.

"We couldn't miss the blessed event!" Bo burst, her candor making Saffy a little uneasy.

"Oh my… what the bloody hell are you two doing here?" Eddy asked, following her daughter into the waiting room.

"Don't you dare Bo!" Marshall charged.

"We're here so Marshall can donate his sperm."

"BO!"

"Good god just what everybody wants…" Eddy muttered and Saffy covered her face in embarrassment.

"Just because I can't have children." Bo began.

"Thank god for the small things…" Eddy continued under her breath. "Doesn't mean that Marshall shouldn't know the joy of having a second

family!"

"Mum, weren't we going to the cafeteria?" Saffy asked, wanting a way quickly.

"Yes darling, yes, yes."

Mother and daughter hurried away and went back to Patsy's room where they were surprised to find Bubble at her side, dutifully helping her through a contraction, both needing a break from Patsy's yelling they retired to the cafeteria for real.

…..

"I-it brings back a lot of memories you know, darling?" Eddy smiled, squeezing Saffy's hand as they walked down the hall, finishing their frozen yogurt.

"Yeah?"

"Yes darling of course."

"Mum… you always talk about… well Patsy always says…" Saffy bit her lip. She'd never asked before, too afraid to do it.

"Grrrrahhhhhhhhhh! Eddy!" Patsy cried.

Eddy pat her daughter's hand and rushed away to Patsy's side, giving Saffy an answer to her question without having said a word.

"Eddy, Eddy I need drugs Eddy!" Patsy growled, grabbing her friend's jacket harshly when she got close enough.

"Darling, darling they've given you everything they can."

"Arrrrrrrggggg! Ahhhhhh!" She took a deep breath.

"None of the drugs work anymore darling you've gone too far!" Eddy reminded.

"Give me heroin!" She barked at a nurse who was tending to her IV.

"Oh come on Pats you know it won't do anything." Eddy shrugged, sitting down and going back to her magazine.

"Miss Stone anything stronger will stop your heart." The nurse explained.

"Nonsense it's always started back up again!"

"She's right." Saffy indicated, coming back in the room.

The nurse gave a frustrated sigh. "You may be able to withstand anything, but your baby cannot. "If you have anything more she could have serious complications: like brain defect, withdrawal, it could even stop her heart."

"Ha!" Patsy gasped, her own heart skipping a beat at the thought.

"I'm going to go call dad and tell him where I am." The teen announced, crossing her arms and following the nurse out of the room.

Patsy sat up, frantic now even though her contraction was over. Eddy paused, watching her friend cup her side in her hand as she watched the heart monitor blip peacefully at her side.

"You're alright, Patsy everything's going to be fine."

"But…"

"Her heart's normal right now."

"But she said…"

…..

"Push, push Pats I was wrong before now's the right time." Eddy whispered.

Two more hours had passed before it was time for the baby to come and Patsy was hysterical, not only that, the baby's heart rate had dropped tremendously. She gripped Eddy's hand with her right and Saffy's with her left, grateful to not be alone, but unable to stop thinking of Simon.

'Who needs him?' Something in the back of her mind urged right at the moment she'd been informed that her daughter's head had entered the world.

She tried to justify it all, to vilify him with every ounce of energy she had left but found she could not. The normally cold woman found herself a bundle of emotions as she gave birth, most noticeably wishing her child's father were there with her, holding her hand not because she needed him but because she loved him.

"URRRRRGGGGG!" Patsy cried.

"There you are, there you are, just one more that's it, that's it darling ooh look at all that blonde hair she's got do you see? Look Saff."

"Don't you dare look!" Patsy barked.

"No thank you." Saffy had her head turned away, definitely not wanting to see Patsy in this state.

"Arrrrrrrrrghhhhh!" Patsy cried as the baby was finally born.

"Look darling, there she is! There she is!" Eddy cried. "It's baby Pats!"

"Baby Pats! You were serious?" Saffy had never been sure they'd been serious of the choice.

"It's a beautiful name!" Patsy cried, taking her baby in her arms.

All fell silent, save the baby's sobbing as Patsy first held the child (Eddy and Saffy looking on. All of them had been on edge about the baby's health, their breath taken away in awe by the act that she was there and alive and crying. It appeared that her heart trouble in the womb had passed her by.

"Oh my goodness Pats you did it!" Eddy cried.

"She's so cute!"

"She's going to be a model!" Eddy sighed.

"Is that a little smile?" Saffy cried.

"You haven't smiled yet, but we've been waiting darling." Eddy snapped.

But Patsy took one look at her scrunched up little face and started to cry, the enormity of what just happened finally taking its toll.

…..

"H-hi." She whispered

Several hours had passed and Patsy quietly marveled over the baby at her side. She gazed down in awe, wondering if she'd done the right thing after all. She took the back of her hand, and as gently as she could manage, ran it through the baby's hair, finding herself afraid to touch the tiny thing who'd been left in her embrace. The baby kept her eyes closed tight and sucked her pacifier faster at her mother's touch. For however uneasy Patsy was around the child, the child was used to her.

"What did a sweet little thing like you ever do to get a mummy like me?" She whispered so softly her words were barely audible.

Patsy knew she was awful and that she'd continue to be awful. She'd known she'd wanted it when she was pregnant but the moment it was born something in her heart changed and she was so overwhelmed by it she didn't think she could admit it: she was in love now, hooked in a way she hadn't known that love could exist.

'Who needs Simon?' She asked herself, now knowing the answer to the question.

Even so, she'd been moved to put his name on the birth certificate and had done so even after Eddy had urged her to put her down in he 'father' category. No one had ever given her the chance to know her father's name.. she could at least give her baby that.

Patsy sighed, placing her forehead against the baby's. Little Pats was her world now. In that instant, Patsy finally understood what had kicked in for Eddy eighteen years previous and why she'd kept Saffy, although she'd never admit that either. One moment she'd been scared to death and the next, as this little thing was placed in her embrace, her maternal instincts had kicked in so powerfully she could barely fathom it.

Eddy watched from a recliner on the other side of the room, holding a half asleep Saffy in her arms.

"Brings back a lot of memories darling." She whispered.

"Mum." She bit her lip, her eyes tearing up at the scene before her. "Why did you keep me?"

Eddy said nothing for a moment and simply gave her daughter a great big kiss on the forehead, wrapping her arms around her ribs in a way that caused the teen to smile without being able to help it. Saffy closed her eyes but Eddy continued to watch her friend.

"Because I couldn't let go."

"Patricia Annabella Lucille Victoria Edina Mary Jane Stone." Patsy began, placing her nose against the newborn's as she sighed. "I don't know how to love you because no one ever showed me the way. And so. I can't promise that this will be perfect, or there won't be a lot of big bumps … but know very much, on the hard days, that I love you and very much wanted you."


End file.
